Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

24 Aug 2011

Kids do grow up fast...

Here it is. Five months since you passed away. I still don't know what to call it: died, became and angel, or a cloud? You should be learning to sit and stand, instead I wonder how close to going back to the Earth are you? I don't think it's morbid, just a fact of life. The "present" reality. Makes me kind of scared of the future. But since we are, I believe, programmed by evolution to hope and carry on, so shall I.

I don't understand how my grief can be getting better and harder as time goes on. Every emotion has its own wavelength, different feelings come at different times. Moments of intense grief are now alternated with good, even beautiful emotions. When I feel good, I see the tiniest changes in shades of colour, the harmony of sounds around me. The wind touches my shoulders and I think of Amelia, what if it's her little hand, gently caressing my shoulder. I smile as I love my daughter more and more...

But on moments like right now, like today, all I feel is shattered dreams on the edges of what should have been. I can't look back, it feels like I'm in a triangle, where looking back and looking forward still gets me nowhere. Sadly, being "in the moment" really sucks.

Since I'm a fighter, I'm looking for a way to relieve stress that works. None of my former methods of exercising or meditating work. Argh!!! Any advice? Please :)


  1. Dearest Alena, Grief knows no months, days, years or moments.It just is...immeasurable, indescribable, incalculable, undesirable, but certainly not incurable. Life moves on, as it brings us to happy moments, sad moments and sometimes on days like today, nowhere to turn that makes sense. I think that there is no one thing one does to cure ailing of grief...only time softens grief's hard edges... oceans of time and space that become the tapestry of one's life give us the distance to look back with no regrets.

    You are such a gifted writer. This is the activity that will occupy you, satifsy the creeping, guttural screams that are muffled by the realization that today is today...'s cathartic...the words will occupy your mind and heart...write about Amelia...write about the sun...write about the connections you've made...write about the injustices that surround you...write...write...write... Robin x0

  2. It's not a consolation for the loss of any loved one, but I believe and know that she is in heaven. CS Lewis said that we are souls with bodies, not bodies with souls. Her body is on early still, but her soul is in heaven.

  3. For Sofia...

    For a brief time, I knew you
    As my hopes, my dreams
    My wishes for you in the awaiting world
    Love like no other, unbounded by joy
    Sweetness of scent, softness of skin
    Mewling cries
    For a brief time, I knew you
    Love like no other, hopeful days ahead
    Dreams of who you would resemble
    What you would call me and how I would call you
    I cry for all that would have been and how to fill that empty space,
    That whole place
    For a brief time, I knew you
    Love like no other, for eternity, I know you
    In my heart you live brightly, I hold you in my dreams
    I see you in my mind’s eye
    For a brief time, I knew you… forever I will love you