Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

25 May 2011

Happy 2 months birthday my angel!

My dear Amelia,

Mommy misses you today more than ever... Went to see you at the Lawn this afternoon. They mowed everything, I was petrified that they would throw out your toys. Very grateful that they left them all under a tree next to you. Had to take them home, so sad... I shared your flowers with another girl, hers were thrown out by the mowers, hope that's ok with you and your little friend's parents... Ended up going to the flower store twice, I guess next time I'll just buy enough for everyone :)

Trying out colours for your room, Home Depot has really crappy paint. I have a feeling green would have been your favourite colour, so the room will be green.

Wish you were here, or I was there... Wither way, just want to be with you, hold you, sing to you...

Love you forever,

24 May 2011

Hate this day.

I really really hate number 24. Sorry if it's your lucky number, but it's the worst one for me.

Exactly two months ago, on March 24, just before 11am, my world came crushing down. The ceiling was spinning, the ground turned into a black hole. I was lying on a hospital bed, looking into the eyes of a woman I've never met before, begging to wake up. Dan was beside me, crumbling, crying... Our midwifes suddenly appeared in the doorway, their faces pale and full of sorrow. That was when "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat" became so very real. That was when my hopes and dreams died.

For the last two months this memory haunted me day and night. Every night, my dreams start with that spinning ceiling. I feel that hospital bed beneath me when I see moms and their babies on the streets, hear children play in the park outside our windows...

Tomorrow, I am going to be happy. After all, Amelia will be two month old. I wonder how is she, where is she. I still worry about her all the time, hope that she is safe, that she feels our love.

Hope. Hope is what I lost, and hope is all I have.

23 May 2011


Interestingly enough, when I saw this, I let out a little giggle. There was even a smile, followed by a deep sigh...

Reading the comments, I was surprised to find people who thought that it was offensive and questioned the post's presence on failblog. While the writer of the headline should probably stop using his/her thesaurus, I understand that the title wasn't written to offend anyone. Another surprise was to read a comment by another mom of an angel, saying that she didn't find it offensive either.

It made me remember how a similarly "gruesome joke" made us and a few other angel parents giggle. I don't remember what it was about, but it was definitely not something that would have made us laugh before we became Amelia's parents. We definitely need humour to survive, to let some of our emptiness and hopelessness out.

I wonder, what does grief do to our sense of humour, how does it change it?

19 May 2011

To tell or not to tell

Today I decided it was time to sell my dear husband's old barbecue. Cleaned it up, posted it on craigslist, and sold.

Sold to a woman who is expecting a baby girl any day now. FUCK (pardon me). Seriously, dear universe, sometimes too much is too much. Exactly two months after Amelia dies I am loading a bbq into a car for a pregnant woman, holding back my despair, anger, envy. She was so radiant, so happy...

Ended up giving her three packs of diapers we had for Amelia... She didn't even ask why did I have so many diapers... I'm glad she didn't. BUT, there is a but. Why couldn't I tell her that I was pregnant too, that I was there two months ago, that I know what it felt like to have a baby in my belly. Why couldn't I?

When Amelia died, I was so appalled that no-one talked about stillbirth, I swore I'll always tell people my story. Really starting to get annoyed with this whole "never say never" thing. At some point, I would really like to stick to the plan and in this case talk about my daughter.

So why didn't I tell her about Amelia? All I wanted was to say: "watch out, you are not safe!" I'm sure that would have been a hit with her. I sometimes try to protect the feelings of others and not mention the death of my baby. In return, I hurt myself even more as I deny her existence.

Would love to hear some feedback on the matter...

17 May 2011

Tough day

I never knew that it could be so hard to live without Amelia. The older she gets now, the more it hurts. My heart is constantly aching, no mater what I'm doing or how I feel on the outside.

It has almost been 8 weeks, Amelia should be turning two months old. As time goes by, more and more babies her age are getting out and about with their parents. Today, it was brutally painful to see a happy new mom with a baby girl Amelia's age, in an orange BOB just like we wanted, walk past me about a foot away from my face... I think I went into a state of shock as the mom and I made eye contact. I was frozen in my tears, with blood drained from my fingertips, as she was looking at me in stalled happiness.

It has been one of the hardest days to date.

15 May 2011

Running out of Candles

I can't believe I'm almost done with my first box of candles... When I bought it, I never thought that it was my first of many. I just knew that it was something I needed to do.

It has been a hard weekend. I know it's not supposed to be easy. Sometimes I feel that I can't take it anymore. I keep hoping that one day I'll wake up from this nightmare, but it just doesn't go away. Every morning when I wake up in our big empty bed, my heart breaks all over again.

I'm finally seeing a "shrink" tomorrow, can't believe it has taken so long. I guess it wasn't as urgent as it would have been if Amelia was alive. Well, she is alive, even if it's only in my heart...

11 May 2011

Missing my girl

Can't get anything done this morning... I miss her so much. Just want to sit there and look at her picture, stroking her cheeks and kissing her lips... I hate how life just keeps on going, without her.

10 May 2011

Happy vs Sad

Dear Amelia,

How can I feel happy and sad at the same time? Not one feeling after the other, but simultaneously. From time to time, I find myself smiling on the outside while my heart is crying. It is tearing me apart. The more time passes, the stronger this mixed feeling becomes. As I continue living without you, my pain gets stronger as joy becomes more frequent. I heard about this from other angel parents, but never quite understood what they meant. Oh, how true it is that to understand someone you have to walk a mile in their shoes...

I guess the good thing is that the intensity of my feelings goes both ways. Some smiles and laughs I actually feel now. Still, the pain comes back, with a vengeance. The days following your birth I was in some serious denial. I was so good at it, I fooled myself sometimes. Now I cannot hide and must face the day. People did warn me that children change our lives forever... Amelia, you gave new joy to my life, new meaning, and for that I am grateful.

It is true that children make you happy, each in their own special way. I see now how beautiful life is, every moment of it, hoping that you share this joy with me.

Love you forever,
your Mommy

8 May 2011

A Mother

Who is a Mother?

According to Wikipedia, "because of the complexity and differences of a mother's social, cultural, and religious definitions and roles, it is challenging to define a mother to suit a universally accepted definition". Yep, that's it. 

A mother is the one who changes diapers, feeds, plays, teaches, lights candles, grows a memorial garden, keeps a tombstone. Sadly, this mother's day I realised that not all mothers get to experience the "hallmark" motherhood. Today I think of all other mothers who woke up crying, just like I did; all the mothers who are waiting for this day to be over, just like I am.