Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

22 Jul 2012


I am so mad. My body is getting ready for nourishing another baby and it looks like there will be lots of milk. That's a good thing.

With Amelia I also had a lot of milk. Sadly, that was a bad thing. It came in three or four days after she was born, my breasts were so full, they hurt. I could not contain it. Some advised me to bind my chest really tight, but I couldn't: I had to cry and with a tight chest I was suffocating.

It was traumatizing to have so much milk and no baby to feed, so I really wanted to donate it to babies that could benefit from it. I had everything: milk, pump, bottles, and most of all desire to share, to help.

But many times over I was advised against it: it would be difficult, you have to do blood tests, you have to follow a certain diet, as if you were feeding your own.

I thought they knew better, so I gave up. That was a mistake. I knew better.

All that milk went to waste, with no real purpose I resorted to wine in search of respite. I would have much rather skipped the wine and shared my milk, Amelia's milk. There would have been at least one baby in this world that had something in common with her in that moment, that would have been an immediate positive in all the tragedy. But it scared others, so it wasn't.

Now, I hurt when I feel my breasts swell, my heart aches and my jaws clench. I go back to the moment of no baby to feed and nobody wanting the milk. I don't want to feed this baby this way. I wanted it so much that I resent it now. I was told that when I have another baby I can share my milk then. Hell NO. Not a chance. If I get this baby home, do you really think that I will be wanting to do the blood tests and all the extra pumping and storing and what not when I have my own to feed? No.

Why did you have to say No to me then??? Did you not think it would leave a sad mark on my heart?

Well, it did. No milk for you.

19 Jul 2012

Does another pregnancy help the grief?

No, it doesn't.
It adds another layer of feelings, emotions, fears and hopes to the existing grief.

I thought long and hard about this question, it seems we all want Wiggles to "fix" the pain of Amelia's death. Well, no-one can do it, not even her sibling.

To say Yes would be so easy. Fixed, done. Just get pregnant and all will be good again. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

The first three months were hell: the chances of miscarriage are so high I was sure it was going to be me, I mean I was 1 in a 1000 before, why would I be spared this time. I silently hoped and prayed, but didn't really expect any miracles. Most of the time I was unable to function, my fear was mind grappling. I lost weight and was just so sad inside, so scared to dream.

When the second trimester came, I finally felt like I could breathe just for a little bit. And the next day we had The Scare. I won't go into details, but just as I felt safe, I started bleeding. I was fourteen weeks. Things were in slow motion again. Even though everything turned out to be fine this time, I still worry every day. Today I'm pregnant and for that I'm grateful. But it's hard to expect a living baby at the end.

With some smart advice from a fellow mamas, I began bonding with Wiggles. This child of mine is so loved and wanted. Yet I am very painfully aware that he or she will too have to die one day. My only wish is that it happens when I'm already with Amelia. You see, this is what sets me apart from other pregnant women. I don't have that naive happiness anymore and they know it.

This pregnancy is also raising a lot of things that I either forgot, or chose to forget, about Amelia's pregnancy, death, and birth. The pregnancies are different and that's sad for some reason, yet I'm glad that they are. I wonder what will it be like giving birth to this baby: will he or she be alive? Will I be sad? How am I going to get through it? At this point in my pregnancy, the baby will be born, dead or alive. At this point, my dear husband is preparing what we are going to do in case we have another death. We are not sure how to prepare for life. When we prepared for life before, we got death.

And this really hurts, because in all this, we are so acutely aware that our sixteen-month old baby girl should be running around the house, but she is not. She never will. Yet we want it so badly...

If Wiggles lives, all the firsts will be experienced with our second child. So, while this pregnancy gives us hope, it brings up a lot of fear, grief, and sadness. The only dream for Wiggles is the biggest gift there is: Life.

15 Jul 2012

This picture if definitely worth a thousand words.

This is how I feel so many times when I cry at Amelia's grave and feel a soft touch of the wind on my cheek. Just imagine green grass under my feet...
A friend found this picture of a mother and child by a young sculptor, Martin Hudáčeka.

14 Jul 2012

Our neighbours have a baby.

This morning, while eating pancakes on our sunny balcony, we realised our neighbours have a baby. They are in the building across from us and there it was, a baby on their laps. About five or six months old... Does it mean they conceived when we were already grieving? I can't even do the math right now.

WHY? Why does everyone else seem to have a baby while I'm pregnant again? There are no guarantees Wiggles will be ok, so it's not like I feel that I'll soon have a baby. I'm just watching everyone while hoping for my own without any real plans for it.

I hate this. I feel like screaming: This is my SECOND. I'm supposed to be experiencing all that you have for much longer than you, yet I'm still waiting. And planning on what we'll do in case Wiggles dies too...


13 Jul 2012

She's in the Past: Don't think so.

I met this lady at the pool today. Somehow we started talking, one thing led to another and I did something I avoid these days: I told her I'm pregnant. It seems most people are unsure of my state these days, I'm in that lovely place between looking fat and pregnant.

Since there is no other child visible around me and I'm relatively young, she assumed it was my first and told me how when she was pregnant with her first, she was on complete bedrest and now her son lives in Calgary. Well, I told her that when I was pregnant with my first, all was completely well until my daughter died and now she is at the local cemetery.

This is my second child.

The lady was nice about it, said how sad it is, as I hoped, but then it came out: Don't worry about it, everything will be ok. WHAT HAPPENED IS IN THE PAST, NOW is the FUTURE. So DON'T THINK ABOUT IT (she didn't yell it, but might as well).

WTF. Really? You are so scared of a baby dying that you'd rather pretend it's possible to treat it as something like milk spoiling? Throw out the old bottle and get a new one, all is well, it's in the past.

Yes, Amelia's life, death, and birth are all in the past. But those three things changed me as a person: she made me a mother and I experienced bereavement. While I don't plan on staying in grief for the rest of my life, a child's death is not something that a parent can process quickly. Her death is recent enough for me.

The fact is, there most likely would not be a Wiggles, had Amelia not died. I would be at the pool with her instead. As strange as the statement sounds, nothing about this is normal, with a sixteen-month old at home, we had no plans of having another child. We wanted ONE child, a daughter. Yet, here I am, pregnant again.

That idea of having just one kid I did put behind myself. It's in the past, as I now want more children.

But my daughter is NOT in the Past. She is in the Present, in the form she changed into at the time of her death: she's in our hearts and thoughts, in the actions we do or do not take, in the people we meet. She is as much in the present as she would have been had she lived, it's just that my mommy group would have included live babies instead of dead ones, our conversations would be about different things, and so on. She is here, just not how we'd like her to be. If your son is in Calgary, that doesn't mean he's in the past! You still think and talk about him!

So here it is: death is not the end of someone for those close to him or her. It's a change of state. Deal with it.

3 Jul 2012

Rainbow on the horizon!

With a heart full of hope for the future, and sadness for Amelia, I am cautiously announcing that we are expecting our second child this winter! Our rainbow Wiggles is due on Christmas Eve and even though I'm not religious, it makes me wonder :)

We are happy and scared, knowing how there are no guarantees, not even for us in this case. Once in a while I do catch myself dreaming of the little things that might be, a white crib next to our bed, a baby of our own that we can actually hold and kiss. But those moments are kept in place by the fear of another loss, more heartache. Either way, Amelia will have a sibling and will be a big sister!

Please pray for us and for Wiggles, even though we don't pray, positive vibes are greatly appreciated.

Lots of love and peace to all.