My perfect baby.

"Only dead babies are perfect." A very deep statement from a bereavement book.

It is so true. Amelia never did a thing wrong, except for that whole being born dead thing. That was big. But I'm not sure if I can blame her for that...

So there she is, my perfect firstborn. I always wanted a perfect daughter. Her dad and I thought about all the things we would teach her. Instead, she taught us a life lesson we will never forget.

Our perfect girl. How I wish you weren't...


Love you forever,
Mama

Angel Smiles.

I've been in a crappy mood these days. No big reason, apart from just wanting to hold my sweet Amelia.

A momma is allowed to want to hug her kid. So do I. And I just get mad seeing other people with their strollers, out and about, acting so important. As if they graduated from some big life university now that they have a snotty toddler. Yeah, try on my shoes for a while.

So I've been cranky.

Went to an organic market this morning and they didn't have kale. I went there for kale. How dare they not have kale? Left without it, disappointed, after having to dodge strollers and pushy moms and screaming kids. Argh!

Decided to go see Amelia. 

Even though the not-so Dignity Memorial workers have been doing very crappy mowing these days and it looks like a bomb explosion site, I still needed to go. 

Somehow ended up driving the OTHER way. Ended up at a starbucks. Ok, cool, I'll get a drink and a treat, and then go to Amelia's. 

GRRRR!!!!

I get out of the car and... this (not so) cute corgi drops in its steps and starts rolling over in front of me! He must have mistaken me for a young queen ;) He kept rolling and looking cute until I laughed out loud. As soon as that happened, he got up and carried on as if nothing happened! 

Wow. A dog just made me smile (not a dog person :). 

There must have been a reason I went the wrong way...

Feeling better, I got my tea and a treat and headed to Amelia's. Since it was another baby's first birthday today, I stopped by a local florist to get some flowers for her. Got mad at stupid people who couldn't park, children who just were in my way, and people in general. 

A girl can get mad once in a while. Gah.

Get to Amelia's, finally,  and there she is! A Ladybug waiting for me, right in the middle of her spot! As soon as I took a picture, she flew away. 

My sweet angel must be doing this, making her mama smile all day. Thank you my love.

I feel better now. 

Going to stay in for the rest of the day ;)

Solitude.

At the Lullaby. I am here. I didn't chose to be here.

Life happened and I am here, to embrace it.

The dark hole in my heart burns. I'm alone,

yet I shouldn't be. All those people told me:
"You'll never be alone again." They lied. 

There are so many of us, yet we remain unseen. 

I'm here alone, yet you are always with me. 

United in our separation, we will always be.

I'm still here. How did I get here? Why me?

Watching everyone from the outside, I dream,

What could have been, would have been.

It is not to be. I wish to be there, across the fence.

Never to step foot at my lullaby. But I'm still here.

I want to be here. There is so much more on my side

of the fence: more to live, more to lose. I'm free.

I can never leave.

Here I am, alone, with and without you. 

Stronger, for all the days I missed you.

Weaker, for all the nights I cried for you.

Embracing you in my mind,

I'm here with my solitude.

Say nothing at all.

It's better to not say anything than to say something. Most of the time we don't know where the person is in their grief, in their life. Even most well-meaning comments can come at the wrong time.

I went to see Amelia today, seeking peace and solace. I did not find it there.

There was another bereaved mom there, I met her shortly after her own baby died last year. Everything was lovely, but... I was there with pain. I needed to let it pass through me. She was there with peace. Speaking with good intention about emotions I often feel myself, she told me she was feeling ok, that she moves forward and looks at life in positive light. I know the feeling, but it was not what I was feeling today. She has another daughter to love and to hold, I don't. She lost her baby after six months of a difficult pregnancy, the death was almost expected, she does not want any more children now. I lost mine at full term of a healthy pregnancy, Amelia's death was a complete shock to us, and we would love to be pregnant again now but we are not yet.

Today I can't seem to let the pain out. I did not need to hear about peace. Not today.

I wish nothing was said today.