It has been almost a year and a half since I became a mother, and not just any mother, a bereaved mother. Seems like it has been forever. I can vaguely remember the naive, innocent "old me." I don't really miss her, but I do miss the easiness that she had in believing in good luck and sad things always happening to "other people."
Now I'm hopeful, but realistic. Grief, I hope, made me stronger, more compassionate, acutely aware of so much more happening around me: It opened up a whole new world to me. For that, I am grateful.
My relationship with grief keeps changing. As I got used to the pain and horror of Amelia's arrival in and out of this wold, I felt a gentle push of change. It made me slightly fearful, yet I look forward to it.
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
6 Aug 2012
Babies
This morning we went to the pool we have in our building. It was great.
There was another couple and a grandfather with a toddler. We enjoyed
reading our books and taking it easy. Until a new mom came with her
baby, not more than 8 weeks old. She sat there and the baby started
screaming. I had to leave, immediately.
I have to admit it: I have a very hard time seeing babies these days. Their presence scares, hurts, and angers me.
It scares me because they are once again reminders that at the moment I have two children and hold neither in my hand. Guaranteed is nothing. One in less than two hundred expectant mothers will loose their baby before birth. When I see someone with their baby, the odds become even less in my favour. Someone has to be the one. Last time it was me. Now, seems like every one else has their baby, so what will happen to me? This scares the breath out of me. We have 1 in 20,000 chance of Wiggles having down syndrome. My midwife said these are some of the best numbers she has seen. Yet, one will be IT. 19,999 will not, but 1 will be. For them the odds don't matter anymore. For me, a chance of bringing this baby home alive and healthy are 50/50. That freaks me out.
It hurts me because I missed so much with Amelia and I will never get it back with her. It hurts me because I don't know if I will ever get to experience having my own child on my lap, to love and to raise. Will I just keep being pregnant only to loose in the end? It hurts me so much.
It angers me because it seems so easy for so many. I see people walk around like it's no big deal to bring a child home. They behave as if it's the same for everyone, as if they don't care that the sight of their baby might hurt someone around them. They probably don't know. But it doesn't make me feel any better... It angers me that I am the one being hurt, the one who is bereaved, the one who is scared.
I feel bad for feeling those emotions, yet that's what they are. I still can't get over this morning's episode. And I bet you that mom didn't feel bad about bringing her baby to the pool, she didn't feel bad about causing me these emotions. If she was using the pool that would have been one thing, but she just sat there... Couldn't she go to a park across the road? Why would she need to go to a pool when she can't use it? I wonder if she will ever know how seeing her made me feel?
I hope she won't. But still....
I have to admit it: I have a very hard time seeing babies these days. Their presence scares, hurts, and angers me.
It scares me because they are once again reminders that at the moment I have two children and hold neither in my hand. Guaranteed is nothing. One in less than two hundred expectant mothers will loose their baby before birth. When I see someone with their baby, the odds become even less in my favour. Someone has to be the one. Last time it was me. Now, seems like every one else has their baby, so what will happen to me? This scares the breath out of me. We have 1 in 20,000 chance of Wiggles having down syndrome. My midwife said these are some of the best numbers she has seen. Yet, one will be IT. 19,999 will not, but 1 will be. For them the odds don't matter anymore. For me, a chance of bringing this baby home alive and healthy are 50/50. That freaks me out.
It hurts me because I missed so much with Amelia and I will never get it back with her. It hurts me because I don't know if I will ever get to experience having my own child on my lap, to love and to raise. Will I just keep being pregnant only to loose in the end? It hurts me so much.
It angers me because it seems so easy for so many. I see people walk around like it's no big deal to bring a child home. They behave as if it's the same for everyone, as if they don't care that the sight of their baby might hurt someone around them. They probably don't know. But it doesn't make me feel any better... It angers me that I am the one being hurt, the one who is bereaved, the one who is scared.
I feel bad for feeling those emotions, yet that's what they are. I still can't get over this morning's episode. And I bet you that mom didn't feel bad about bringing her baby to the pool, she didn't feel bad about causing me these emotions. If she was using the pool that would have been one thing, but she just sat there... Couldn't she go to a park across the road? Why would she need to go to a pool when she can't use it? I wonder if she will ever know how seeing her made me feel?
I hope she won't. But still....
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