This morning we went to the pool we have in our building. It was great.
There was another couple and a grandfather with a toddler. We enjoyed
reading our books and taking it easy. Until a new mom came with her
baby, not more than 8 weeks old. She sat there and the baby started
screaming. I had to leave, immediately.
I have to admit it: I have a very hard time seeing babies these days. Their presence scares, hurts, and angers me.
It scares me because they are once again reminders that at the moment I have two children and hold neither in my hand. Guaranteed is nothing. One in less than two hundred expectant mothers will loose their baby before birth. When I see someone with their baby, the odds become even less in my favour. Someone has to be the one. Last time it was me. Now, seems like every one else has their baby, so what will happen to me? This scares the breath out of me. We have 1 in 20,000 chance of Wiggles having down syndrome. My midwife said these are some of the best numbers she has seen. Yet, one will be IT. 19,999 will not, but 1 will be. For them the odds don't matter anymore. For me, a chance of bringing this baby home alive and healthy are 50/50. That freaks me out.
It hurts me because I missed so much with Amelia and I will never get it back with her. It hurts me because I don't know if I will ever get to experience having my own child on my lap, to love and to raise. Will I just keep being pregnant only to loose in the end? It hurts me so much.
It angers me because it seems so easy for so many. I see people walk around like it's no big deal to bring a child home. They behave as if it's the same for everyone, as if they don't care that the sight of their baby might hurt someone around them. They probably don't know. But it doesn't make me feel any better... It angers me that I am the one being hurt, the one who is bereaved, the one who is scared.
I feel bad for feeling those emotions, yet that's what they
are. I still can't get over this morning's episode. And I bet you that mom didn't feel bad
about bringing her baby to the pool, she didn't feel bad about causing
me these emotions. If she was using the pool that would have been one
thing, but she just sat there... Couldn't she go to a park across the
road? Why would she need to go to a pool when she can't use it? I wonder if she will ever know how seeing her made me feel?
I hope
she won't. But still....
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
Wish I could give you a hug. Of course nobody knows how it feels, until they have felt it themselves. Before I lost my son, I would have had no qualms about bringing him everywhere, completely oblivious to the fact that it would cause people some hurt. But here we are, Finley is dead, and I am the one left hurting at the sight of pregnant bumps and babies. I too have the same fears about never bringing a child home. No words of wisdom, but you aren't alone in feeling like this, so please don't feel bad about it.
ReplyDeleteLots of love,
Lisa
http://dear-finley.blogspot.com
I struggle with pregnant women and babies alike. I wish I could get back the innocence these women are allowed to revel in. They have no clue that something could happen to that child they are carrying. They get to walk through life in ignorant, unblemished bliss, focused solely on the joy of their child, completely oblivious to the tragedy that could occur. It's a struggle everyday for those us that DO know. Like Lisa said, you aren't alone. We can't help the way we feel.
ReplyDeleteInteresting post. I have been wondering about this issue,so thanks for posting.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my blog hun, although it sucks that we know how this feels, I am grateful for the other mummies I've met so that I know I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteI remember being pregnant and at the same time wanting to avoid all pregnant ladies and babies. It was a hard place to be, dreaming of taking your baby home, while at the same time all too aware of the fact that the odds may not be in your favour again.
ReplyDeleteAnd of course, every stranger around you thinks that since you are pregnant you must want to talk to them about babies. I had to tell numerous strangers that I did not want to talk about it. I still think half of those people probably thought I was slightly crazy lol. But, being pregnant or discussing babies was the last thing that I wanted to do (and sadly, even after bringing a baby home, pregnancy and babies make me cringe) Just know that you are definitely not alone in these feelings. And in some ways I am very jealous of the women that will never understand.