First Time Grandma. Not.

In the last few months a few people referred to my mom as first time grandma-to-be. Today that happened twice. Every one who said this to me knows about Amelia.

It pisses me off.

So, I want to respond, when someone in your family dies, it's like they never existed? Do you think that my mom has not been Amelia's grandma for 20 months already? You don't realise this, but she was there when her first grandbaby was born, she met her with tears in her eyes and pain in her heart. She held her, kissed her, fell in love with her. She took care of us when we got home, she cooked and cleaned for us when we couldn't. She bought Amelia sweet little gifts, dreamt of her, cried for her for the last 20 months and will continue to do so until she gets to meet her again. Do you really think our relationships with our children are only defined in diapers changed and bottles fed? Argh.

My mom will be a grandma for the second time. This time, however, we hope she will get to grandmother a living child.

Memories and Expectations.

My due date with Wiggles is fast approaching. The induction date is even closer. This is a relief.

It's also a deadline, if I may use the word, to find out whether our hearts will be broken again or not.
Since most babies live, I give it 51% chance of everything being ok. That's huge. Yesterday it was 50/50.

I keep myself busy so that I don't go insane (yes, I can't sleep at night because I count kicks, I have panic attacks from things that remind me of same time of pregnancy with Amelia, like dark evenings and big pregnant belly, and while I don't expect this baby to die, I can't imagine this baby living either).

I nest.

Part of nesting, a really big part actually, is going through all of the things we had ready for Amelia. I'm so grateful for them, but they do bring tears to my eyes and ache to my heart. It would have hurt more if I didn't have them, but it hurts still. They all remind me of what was, and what never has a chance to be. I miss my little girl so much.

I also have to turn Amelia's room into a room more appropriate for a newborn baby. It's hard. Her changing table used to be storage for candles, keepsakes, gifts. Now I have to find new places for those things. Not because I expect baby to live, but in case I have to grieve two babies, I will have room for that... So I just carried out a lantern I have for Amelia from her room into the living room. Somehow that really hurt. It is a huge change. Maybe it's for the better, maybe not.

Not knowing is the hardest part.

18 days left...

Please Read: Revolution on Standby: Bereavement and the DSM-5

::::::::::Becoming::::::::::: Revolution on Standby: Bereavement and the DSM-5

Dr. Joanne Cacciatore is a brave, strong woman, a bereaved mother. She is the founder of MISS Foundation that helped me so much in the first year and still does.

Please read her blog post, think about it. If you can, spread the word; if not, just make sure you keep it in mind when you come across people who think grief has a time limit. Please have the strength to tell them it doesn't.

Thank you.

Piano Lessons

I was waiting outside my piano studio today when a passerby commented on my growing baby belly. We had a pleasant enough chat about baby, music and the weather.

Yet, once again, a stupid comment ruined the moment:

Stranger: Take your lessons now, when baby comes you won't have the time for it!
Me: I started taking piano lessons after my first baby was born. Every child is different.

Before the unfortunate adviser could say another word, my wonderful piano teacher opened the door and hurried me in.


Lesson of the day: Assumptions should be banned. There is no excuse for assuming we know anything about another person. Each person's life is different. No matter what we think, we just don't know.