When I was pregnant with Amelia, she used to kick me in the ribs with her little footsies. It was cute and painful at the same time. I used to have to really push my arm into my rib cage to stop her from bending it outward. The whole time I couldn't wait to meet my little girl and kiss those feet.
The day she was born I thought I'd never get to do that. Thanks to my midwife, I got to kiss her foot once. Just once. She unwrapped her leg from the blankets and that's when it really hit me...
This photograph is truly amazing the emotion just reaches right out and grabs a hold of you.
ReplyDeleteI am the mother of an 18 year old girl, a 7 year old girl and a little boy who was born too soon who would be 10 years old if he would have survived his birth.
He didn't survive but he was alive until I gave birth to him. I could hear his heartbeat on the monitor the whole time I was in labor. I was 24 weeks along and I had an abruption. The doctor said he wouldn't survive outside of me. I had twelve hours of labor before pushing him to his death, I tried so hard to not push but became overwhelmed and he was born.
I held him afterwards and we took a nap together. The hospital was great, they allowed me to spend as much time as I wanted to spend with him. After about 3 hours though I just wanted to go home and they let me. The funeral was surreal.
Almost 2 years to the day of when he was born and died his little sister Miss Haley was born. She was a little over 3 pounds but totally healthy. I had a previa with her so they took her by C-section.
Haley has brought sunshine back into my world but not by replacing her brother its almost as if they are one. She has this connection with him that I did not anticipate. She is 7 years old yet she remembers his Birthday every year on her own and she talks about him like she knows him. It's crazy but I just smile because its so sweet. It has been through Haley that I have somewhat come to terms with the loss of my son, as much as I can anyway.
As you already know, Amelia will always be a part of you and some of the pain that you felt when you lost her will also always be with you. But don't be too surprised that if along the way that pain starts to morph into something more peaceful and try not to deny it if it happens because you deserve to find that peace.
I can only speak from where I stand and what I have been through. I know that other people who have lost babies will say that it never gets better and it won't get any better unless you want it to.
For me, the pain was so severe that I just didn't feel like I had a reason to do anything anymore. My oldest child was with her Dad and I was in such a bad place until Haley came along. And it wasn't her birth that made it better, it is what I have learned from Haley along the way. When she was four she wanted to know why her brother Johnny didn't make me smile the way that she does. The question floored me.
That very night I decided to make a list of anything that didn't feel like pain during my pregnancy with him, his birth, death and afterwards. It was difficult to do but I manage to remember some things that didn't hurt, like his cute little face, the way that it looked like he was smiling. He had a little crinkle in his forehead just like his dad. I remember he was warm when I put him next to my face when we took our one and only nap together. I remember at his funeral I was surprised to see all the people that showed up, at how many lives he had touched already....
My list goes on and it still grows in length because I have made it my mission to be able to think of him and smile because he deserves that. Sure the pain is still there but if I re-focus and think of that little crinkle in his forehead....a smile almost always happens.
These are just my thoughts, we all have our own way of coping I just wanted you to hear a more positive outcome and know that you have the ability to create Amelia's memory in a way that is positive when you remember her, despite what happened at her birth.
Congrats on Mr. Wiggles, he is perfect and I wish you a lifetime of good things. I will now think of you of you both often and I will think of Amelia too.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Jennifer, thank you so much for your letter. It came at such a perfect time...
ReplyDeleteWe were walking home from a walk and my heart was aching, I was so tired of the pain. For a moment I wondered, what would it be like ten years from now? Will is still hurt this much, will I be this sad? A part of me hoped it won't...
When we got home, I checked my email and there was your letter, giving me the answer, full of hope it warmed my heart. I couldn't have gotten through these three days without your help.
Today I woke up and saw my son's beautiful smile. Such a perfect gift from Amelia, I thought. The day was sunny and nice and for the most part I felt at peace, even happy. I was able to Celebrate her Birthday.
Thank you.
This post took my breath away. My little girl was stillborn on March 16, just over a year ago. We did get to hold her and spend some time with her, but it wasn't for a few weeks that I realized that I never unwrapped her. It just didn't occur to me at the time, and my heart broke all over again, knowing that I would never see her sweet little feet. I have always loved baby feet, and to think that I will never see hers still breaks my heart.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your Amelia. But so glad your little boy is here with you.