Well, it certainly has been quite a while since I blogged here.
Why, you may wonder? There is no one reason. Instead, it is best to take it as a normal part of the process of living with grief.
Let me explain.
You see, when Amelia's little brother, Mr. Wiggles, was born, I underwent another transformation, this time from a bereaved mother to a bereaved mother and a mother of a living child. It may be similar to going from having one kid at home to having two, or three, in a sense that it is not better or worse, it is just different.
Unfortunately, unlike going from one kid to two, my transformation carried some heavy weight. For example, a change of relationships with other bereaved parents whom I grew to know and love as I stepped over the rainbow was inevitable. It was hard and we tried and it is what it is. But I found myself alone, again.
So I tried finding moms whose babies lived. It was easy, just go to a mommy and me group, or a baby and me class. The moms seemed nice and the babies were sweet. But, I felt like I did not belong. Probably because, with my a dark secret, I did not.
Well, Amelia is never a secret, which is why I think I was such an awkward oddball at these meets. I was spoiling their happy, you see. The question about the number of kids always happened to do the trick. The assumption that he was my first...
Eventually a few lovely ladies were not scared off by my daughter, and we got along great. It was nice.
But I was still alone. The one who had a stillbirth. I could not fully be with them as I was not like them. I had (minor) panic attacks at the sing-a-longs, I brought up birth stories from both my births, I was over vigilant, always. You get the idea.
So, alone, I searched in the dark for a balance. How much do I share, grieve, enjoy? When do I do and when do I not?
For a while I withdrew myself from the bereaved community completely, with a goal to learn how to be a mom of a living child with all the love and dedication as I did with Amelia. It was hard and scary, and also fun and joyful. I wanted to find the joy in parenting. I needed to find the joy in parenting, as I mostly had fear (and love, always had love).
One day, I can't quite pin point when, I found myself there. In the land of saying how tired I was and not feeling the guilt, and how frazzled I felt by Mr.Wiggles' shenanigans. And there I saw it, my acceptance into the club. I finally complained. I was human, the other moms exclaimed! Relieved, they realised I was just like them.
And then Amelia was no longer welcome at our meets...
That is when I realized that the time came for me to put my two kids into one reality, to be able to bring them both with me to the playground, to meet a friend, to run errands. To be, openly, a mom of two. One who runs and one who flies.
How did it go?
Well, I'm working on it.