Most people are wondering what happened and why. I am one of them. For the last five weeks and one day I have been asking the same questions. Today I got an answer.
The answer is: "We really don't know what happened." ....................
My pregnancy was normal, bordering on boring. I was growing well, Amelia was growing well. Yes, I admit to a short bout of depression in the early months, but that wasn't the cause of her death and was easily sorted out with one counselling session. Turned out I wasn't a fan of gaining weight and not being able to snowboard... who knew?! Yes, I was relaxed about my healthy pregnancy, walked a lot, ate well, prepared for pain-free hypnobirthing (by the way, that worked). No, I never was a crazy partier, didn't do any stupid drugs, wasn't much of a drinker... My midwife was very determined to make sure I understand and accept that it was nothing that I did. Nothing that my body did. Then who did it?
What did the autopsy report say? Gosh, even the words "autopsy report" make me want to scream! FUCK this. Pardon my language.
So, back to the report. It tells me that it identified her body as "Astashenkava, NB girl Mar 25/11." (insert another scream...)
It tells me that she was 38 weeks old. That my pregnancy was normal. Then it describes how we noticed her lack of movement, how I got induced, how I didn't have a fever and was healthy when I gave birth, everything was normal. What is Normal? Really, everything was just "normal?" It then reminds me that I signed the autopsy consent, yes, I remember that...
Amelia had long feet, her foot length measured "more consistent with gestational age of 40-41 weeks." She was also tall, again more like a baby at 40-41 weeks. The rest of her body, her chest, waist, and head measured right at 38-39 weeks. My midwife told me that it means she was supposed to be tall and slender... Great, my perfect little girl was perfect. Ok.
So that's it, she was supposed to be tall. I've always wanted to be tall. My mom told me she always hoped I'd be tall like my dad, but I'm not. Amelia was supposed to be tall, like her dad, like my dad. But she won't get a chance...
Some might wonder, why am I feeling like this? Why am I crying and hurting like this? Because... Just because. I understand how most are too scared to even try to imagine where I am. I didn't choose to be here, in fact, I didn't know "here" existed. The reason I'm sharing this is so that other parents who come "here" know that they are not alone. Sadly, we are not alone.
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
29 Apr 2011
28 Apr 2011
Love is...
My dear Amelia,
I never knew what love is, until I met you. Every time I think of you, my body trembles. Lately, I've been trembling most of the time, and I'm happy with that. This is the time we are closest to each other.
Time... Time is all we have, and all we don't have; you spent your lifetime with me, I have a lifetime without you. Feels more like eternity to me. An eternity of saying your name, but not seeing your face, your smile.
Still, I love saying your name out loud, it brings me so much closer to you. I feel you in the spring flowers, in the drops of rain. Every time I see a butterfly, I wonder if it's you and smile. Please send more butterflies!
A close friend reminded me of a tree that gets hit by lightning. It twists, changes direction... Amelia, you changed me in many ways...
Love you forever,
Mama
I never knew what love is, until I met you. Every time I think of you, my body trembles. Lately, I've been trembling most of the time, and I'm happy with that. This is the time we are closest to each other.
Time... Time is all we have, and all we don't have; you spent your lifetime with me, I have a lifetime without you. Feels more like eternity to me. An eternity of saying your name, but not seeing your face, your smile.
Still, I love saying your name out loud, it brings me so much closer to you. I feel you in the spring flowers, in the drops of rain. Every time I see a butterfly, I wonder if it's you and smile. Please send more butterflies!
A close friend reminded me of a tree that gets hit by lightning. It twists, changes direction... Amelia, you changed me in many ways...
Love you forever,
Mama
27 Apr 2011
25 Apr 2011
Silly Dino
Dear Amelia,
As you are such a big girl now, I have a book for you to enjoy! While rocking in our chair, I read it to you for the first time today. Hope you heard it.
"Dino wants to play and count.
Help her count the right amount.
Dino sees one shiny sun.
"Bye, bye, Mommy! Time to run!"
Oh, baby, I miss you so..............
Love you forever,
Mommy
As you are such a big girl now, I have a book for you to enjoy! While rocking in our chair, I read it to you for the first time today. Hope you heard it.
"Dino wants to play and count.
Help her count the right amount.
Dino sees one shiny sun.
"Bye, bye, Mommy! Time to run!"
Oh, baby, I miss you so..............
Love you forever,
Mommy
24 Apr 2011
Broken Heart
Well, after an afternoon of "pretending," I am done. Done, done, done. On the way home, I actually felt my heart break. I felt it rip inside me, I needed to scream.
I hate being here, I hate being "me" right now. I'm not asking "why me," but I am asking "why?"
I hate being here, I hate being "me" right now. I'm not asking "why me," but I am asking "why?"
(Not So) Happy Easter
This is hard, really f'n hard... I thought I would be crying all day. Instead, I'm just numb.
Keep getting flashbacks to the dreams I had: how I'd be taking Amelia out today, with my mom and grandma, walking proudly with her in the baby-carrier, taking our Easter treats to the church. Instead, I'm home today, alone.
My mom keeps telling me I need to celebrate... The most I can do is pretend.
Keep getting flashbacks to the dreams I had: how I'd be taking Amelia out today, with my mom and grandma, walking proudly with her in the baby-carrier, taking our Easter treats to the church. Instead, I'm home today, alone.
My mom keeps telling me I need to celebrate... The most I can do is pretend.
20 Apr 2011
Gratitude
I am so grateful to all those who support us on this journey. Our wonderful family and friends are our walls and our blue sky, giving us support when we stumble, air when we can't breathe...
I love you guys...
I love you guys...
Empty Belly
As if I needed proof of my loss, my body is relentlessly reminding me of it every morning. I look in the mirror, and there is less and less. My body is carrying on as normal, the betrayer. How dares it do that to me? Doesn't it know?
I will never forget that empty feeling in my belly as Dan was wheeling me out of the hospital. It was actually, physically empty. Amelia was out, and not in my arms... She had to stay behind... That was the ultimate feeling of my loss. A gap just below my heart, hollowness.
My initial feelings of wanting to get rid of the weight I gained in pregnancy have changed now. This weight, that I so carefully accumulated (flavoured with chocolate and strawberries, and pasta and steak), was meant for Amelia. This is hers, and I am loosing it.
I will never forget that empty feeling in my belly as Dan was wheeling me out of the hospital. It was actually, physically empty. Amelia was out, and not in my arms... She had to stay behind... That was the ultimate feeling of my loss. A gap just below my heart, hollowness.
My initial feelings of wanting to get rid of the weight I gained in pregnancy have changed now. This weight, that I so carefully accumulated (flavoured with chocolate and strawberries, and pasta and steak), was meant for Amelia. This is hers, and I am loosing it.
19 Apr 2011
The meaning of a Hard Day
It has been 25 days since Amelia was born,
It has been 26 days since Amelia died...
It has been 26 days since Amelia died...
Angels?
I always believed that there is "energy" out there that some people can recognize as a God, call it an Angel... Since Amelia died, I wonder if this is something humanity imagined to cope with the pain of losing their loved ones. It seems especially true when a child dies, an innocent life, the one who carries so much hope.
Amelia's Birth Story
One of my biggest fears in pregnancy was giving birth... How much it would hurt, how little privacy I would have, how long it would take to heal. Oh, how naive I was...
This is Amelia's birth story. I am proud of it, as it was the beautiful pain-free birth that we learned and hoped for in our hypnobirthing class. My daughter deserved to be born in love, and I am grateful to all those around me: my dear husband, my wonderful doula and midwifes, my mom and grandma, and our friends, who helped me along the way.
We started getting worried when our very active baby wasn't moving much on March 23... After talking to our midwifes, we thought it might be because I was having a lot of Braxton-Hicks. We counted Amelia's kicks till 1:30am that night and she gave us 6 kicks in 2 hours that we needed.
The next morning we went for our 38-week appointment. My belly grew just the right amount and everything looked good, but the midwife was having a hard time finding the heartbeat. She got another doppler and after an agonizing search finally found a heartbeat. I knew something was wrong because it was 120 and not the usual 150 that Amelia had. We decided to get a NST at the hospital and headed straight there, having no idea of what was ahead of us.
The hospital nurse could not find the hearbeat either. I proudly found her the heartbeat that the midwife found earlier, I later found out was my own... An obgyn came in with an ultrasound machine and after two longest minutes in my life, she looked at me and said: "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat." The room started spinning and our life changed forever...
Our midwifes were there in a matter of minutes. Somehow we all still had hope. Or maybe it was just me. They said that the best way to deliver Amelia would be vaginally, but I could not bear the thought of it. Then I realised that our daughter deserves the beautiful birth we planned for her, and she was going to get it. I was already 2cm dilated when they induced me at 2pm on the 24th. We had a long wait ahead of us... Somehow in that time we had the strength to talk about what was going to happen next. I guess because we still had hope that she would be born alive and this was all just a really bad dream...
10 long hours later, after my fourth dose of whatever they were giving me, I was only 3cm and had very mild contractions. That was when I realised that I was not letting her go, I was keeping my body closed so that I can have more time with my baby. It felt strange but I remember thinking that it was not fair to Amelia, and decided it was time... That was about 2:30am. Minutes later my water broke and it started! Every contraction I had, Dan would put his hand on my shoulder and I would completely relax. I felt no pain, just love. My body was doing an amazing job and I was letting it be. I was singing through the transition stage, and it felt so empowering. Again, no pain. When pushing came I just moved her down, bit by bit, I think I was enjoying the process. At 5:08 Amelia Sofia was born, weighing 7lb 12.6oz, 21inch long. She looked so beautiful in her sleep, such soft cheeks, red lips and a lot of hair :)
We spent five wonderful hours holding her, kissing her, loving her. Then it was time to let her go...
I am very glad we got to have the beautiful birth of our Amelia. It was bitter-sweet, but it was filled with love.
This is Amelia's birth story. I am proud of it, as it was the beautiful pain-free birth that we learned and hoped for in our hypnobirthing class. My daughter deserved to be born in love, and I am grateful to all those around me: my dear husband, my wonderful doula and midwifes, my mom and grandma, and our friends, who helped me along the way.
We started getting worried when our very active baby wasn't moving much on March 23... After talking to our midwifes, we thought it might be because I was having a lot of Braxton-Hicks. We counted Amelia's kicks till 1:30am that night and she gave us 6 kicks in 2 hours that we needed.
The next morning we went for our 38-week appointment. My belly grew just the right amount and everything looked good, but the midwife was having a hard time finding the heartbeat. She got another doppler and after an agonizing search finally found a heartbeat. I knew something was wrong because it was 120 and not the usual 150 that Amelia had. We decided to get a NST at the hospital and headed straight there, having no idea of what was ahead of us.
The hospital nurse could not find the hearbeat either. I proudly found her the heartbeat that the midwife found earlier, I later found out was my own... An obgyn came in with an ultrasound machine and after two longest minutes in my life, she looked at me and said: "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat." The room started spinning and our life changed forever...
Our midwifes were there in a matter of minutes. Somehow we all still had hope. Or maybe it was just me. They said that the best way to deliver Amelia would be vaginally, but I could not bear the thought of it. Then I realised that our daughter deserves the beautiful birth we planned for her, and she was going to get it. I was already 2cm dilated when they induced me at 2pm on the 24th. We had a long wait ahead of us... Somehow in that time we had the strength to talk about what was going to happen next. I guess because we still had hope that she would be born alive and this was all just a really bad dream...
10 long hours later, after my fourth dose of whatever they were giving me, I was only 3cm and had very mild contractions. That was when I realised that I was not letting her go, I was keeping my body closed so that I can have more time with my baby. It felt strange but I remember thinking that it was not fair to Amelia, and decided it was time... That was about 2:30am. Minutes later my water broke and it started! Every contraction I had, Dan would put his hand on my shoulder and I would completely relax. I felt no pain, just love. My body was doing an amazing job and I was letting it be. I was singing through the transition stage, and it felt so empowering. Again, no pain. When pushing came I just moved her down, bit by bit, I think I was enjoying the process. At 5:08 Amelia Sofia was born, weighing 7lb 12.6oz, 21inch long. She looked so beautiful in her sleep, such soft cheeks, red lips and a lot of hair :)
We spent five wonderful hours holding her, kissing her, loving her. Then it was time to let her go...
I am very glad we got to have the beautiful birth of our Amelia. It was bitter-sweet, but it was filled with love.
18 Apr 2011
Finding my Voice
Since my world was shattered 24 days ago, I felt like I lost my voice. When doctors told me the horrid words: "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat," my body was screaming so loud it could not make a sound. In the days that followed Amelia's birth and death (or it it death and birth?), I spoke, but had no voice.
I didn't have a voice because words that I spoke didn't change anything.
When I finally had the strength to admit what happened and start looking for people in my boat, I found that their presence in this world made a difference to how I felt. Today, I don't feel alone. Sadly, I feel that there are more of us than we admit. With this knowledge, I hope to one day find my voice.
I didn't have a voice because words that I spoke didn't change anything.
When I finally had the strength to admit what happened and start looking for people in my boat, I found that their presence in this world made a difference to how I felt. Today, I don't feel alone. Sadly, I feel that there are more of us than we admit. With this knowledge, I hope to one day find my voice.
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