Sequence of Events

Yesterday, the 23rd, was three months since Amelia was alive. Today, the 24th, is three months since she died. Tomorrow, the 25th, will be three months since she was born.

I am struggling with acceptance of the sequence of these events. How can my child be dead before she is born? How can I bury my newborn?

Nothing makes sense anymore, life and everything in it is up for an evaluation, a scrutinizing one. What mattered before, has no meaning, what had no meaning before is now the way of life.


What remains a constant is missing my girl.

Meeting at the Lawn

I bought some beautiful Irises for Amelia and I to share. A bunch of blue and and yellow ones, so bright and pretty. Keeping half of them at home, so that I can look at them and smile, I took the other half to the Lawn this morning.

There I met a very interesting and inspiring father, just in time for Father's day. His son, Tony, died 33 years ago. What a long time... In between our childrens' graves, he told me a heart-wrenching story of his life, as well as a story of his inner strength.

My new friend's words of wisdom are going to stay with me for the rest of my life. You see, there are two kinds of strength, physical and inner. Grief and stress are very physical, you would be surprised. Once your outer shell is broken, your core is all you have to stand on. It's the inner strength that holds us up when life gets rough.

So, how do you build up your inner strength? Well, Tony's dad told me how loosing his son lifted his insecurities and helped him become a better person. I know it sounds very cliche :) Still, it was very inspiring to hear how he believed in himself, and found the strength to grow from his experience. He and his wife have been married for over 33 years, they have grown stronger and tighter together. They have a long-awaited and much loved daughter. It was good to know there is hope...

But for those of you who say: "See, everything will be good!" Here is what I have to say:

Tony's father also talked about the fire of grief. That's where I am right now, right in the pit. There is no other way out of it, but through the thick of the flame. You can't avoid, pretend, or bargain with grief. You will have to face it, sooner or later. It is better to face it and deal with it right away, than try to hide it and have to deal with it later on, which is, according to Tony's dad, tougher.

As I walk on my new path, I am starting to meet Earth Angels. These are people who I believe are sent to us for encouragement, strength, a shoulder to cry on. The ones who help us take the next step. For that, I am grateful.


So the thought of the day is: never do tomorrow, what you can do today.


(As a reminder: nothing here is personal. I am only sharing my deep feelings to help myself and others understand the process of stillbirth grief a bit better. This is somewhat of a journal for research purposes. Of course, all copyright laws apply).

Stolen Memories

One of the hardest things to accept is how much we are going to miss out on with Amelia. It is interesting how the subconscious mind keeps track of important dates, milestones, family moments. Every such moment that comes and goes without her here with us, we notice, we grieve, we hurt. So far, most of these moments catch us by surprise.

I am learning fast though. Started planning ahead around the dates that I know will be hard, like anniversaries of Amelia's death, then her birth. It is such a crazy concept. How can she die and then be born? The word "born" implies a new life... I never thought that Amelia would be born to live in my broken heart.

The saddest part, for me, is that I will never look her in the eyes and see her looking back at me. I never got to see her eyes... Some days, I wish she lived a day, five days, five years. We would have had so many more memories together, the ones I can only dream of now and forever. Other days, I wonder what if she died much earlier, what if I never met her at all? But then I realise that I'll never trade the moments we had together, she is my precious daughter, always will be. I read about angel babies becoming the only "perfect" children in the family. That makes a lot of sense...




I will treasure these moments forever:

Amelia used to wiggle so much all the time, I thought she was going to poke a hole in my belly :) Her favourite thing to do was to push on my ribs as hard as she could, until I had to push them back so they won't break. I guess she was doing yoga, as well as resistance training! Mommy's girl! She also was very good at telling me if she didn't like something, by hitting the offending spot as hard as she could! and she preferred for me to sleep on my left :)


Missing my girl,
A

To the daughter missing from our family picture…

You taught me what true love is,
I saw such beauty in your sleeping face.
I want to nurture and protect you,
To melt in your embrace.

I'll always need you by my side,
I don't know if you are,
So hard to know that I need to let you go,
Before we even said Hello!

You must be free and happy,
As every growing child needs to be,
But you left your mothers arms too soon…
There was so little time for you and me.

My happiest moments will never be complete,
As I'll always long to share them with you,
Wonder if you see the sadness in my eyes,
Hope you hear me say I love you!

What a week...

I made it through.

Grateful to everyone for their support. Thank you for reaching out to me. Thank you for coming over. Thank you for inviting me in. Thank you for talking to me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your smiles. Thank you for your empathy. Thank you.