More each day.

Amelia,

My love for you grows stronger every day. You are in my thoughts, my dreams, my memories; warming my heart, leading me through the days and nights. I feel your kindness gently touching my shoulder, kissing my cheeks. Thank you for the light you bring me in those moments. 

I wonder what is it like to be you. I know that you Are, I just don't know What you are. My counsellor believes I have a case of some "magical thinking" that many bereaved people invent to console themselves. Well, one day we believed that the Earth was flat and we could fall off the edge...

As I sit in our rocking chair, I feel the weight of your body in my belly. I close my eyes and, for a second, you are right here with me. We share a moment of love so strong it knows no limits, no boundaries. No matter where I am, I will always love you and I know no matter where you are, you will always love me.

Sending you butterfly kisses,

Mama

Amelia's Mimi-Doll

When I just got pregnant with Amelia, I was dreaming of making toys for her. You know the kind of "Ugly" toys that run you $40-50 for a bit of fabric and a few buttons. As soon as we felt safe at about four months (oh how wrong we were...), my mom, grandma, and I bought a lot of fun fabrics for all the toys I was going to make for my baby.

On my first Mothers Day we made this Mimi doll for Amelia, and for us. Since then, I spent days and nights hugging, cradling, kissing, rocking her... She gives me comfort in the present and hope for the future. Sometimes I feel Amelia in her. Those are the rare moments when I get to hold her and kiss her cute nose.

Last night Mimi got her first outfit - a tutu that I was going to make for Amelia! Hope you like it :)

Love,
Amelia's mom

Can I take a shortcut?

About two weeks ago I decided to see what what happens if I am withdrawn from the world of bereaved parenthood, so I tried going along with what used to be "normal" life. These two weeks felt very long, painfully low. I realised that there is no way of going around the pain. Instead of letting feelings out throughout the day, in waves of highs and lows, I gathered them all up into one big lump of pain for my brain to sort through during the night.

I haven't slept well since I stopped going on MISS Foundation, a wonderful support forum for bereaved parents. I have been feeling lost in my thoughts since I stopped writing here. I became confused, to the point of sometimes "snapping out of it" to realise all over again that Amelia died. It stopped me in my tracks, sending me into cold shivers.

The feeling of isolation was asso overwhelming. While I have lots of great and supportive people around me, there are only a few who really know what it's like to be here. I actually think it would be a good idea to have a meetup group for bereaved moms and dads, just like they have pregnancy and new mommy groups. It helped me so much during my pregnancy when I got together with women pretty much walking in my shoes, that I can only imagine how helpful it would be to have a group like that. Can you imagine registering a DBMs (dead baby mamas :) group on meetup!? Oh, the new found morbid sense of humour :)

Seriously though, this is what it feels like sometimes. When we joke about taking Amelia out to give her a big hug, is when we realise how horrid the event is.



I guess it's time to paint Amelia's room a pretty green colour. Somehow I know that green and lilac would have been her thing...

Lots of love.


Here is a link to MISS Foundation:

http://www.missfoundation.org/

Once In A While

Ukulele Songs by Eddie Vedder

Once in a while will you try to give
One little thought to me
Though someone else may be
Nearer to your heart?

Will you dream of the moments
I shared with you
Before we drifted apart
Once in a while?

In love's smoldering embers
One spark may remain
If love still can remember
The spark may burn again

I know that I'll be contented
With yesterday's memory
Knowing you think of me
Once in a while

In love's smoldering embers
One spark may remain
If love still can remember
The spark may burn again

I know that I'll be contented
With yesterday's memory
Knowing you think of me
Once in a while


Some things are really hard to put into words. We are all different and that is our most common trait. Personal experiences shape our view of the world, moulding meanings of words into similar, yet as varied as we are, ways of understanding. The words of this song are the closest way or interpreting my relationship with Amelia.