Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

19 May 2011

To tell or not to tell

Today I decided it was time to sell my dear husband's old barbecue. Cleaned it up, posted it on craigslist, and sold.

Sold to a woman who is expecting a baby girl any day now. FUCK (pardon me). Seriously, dear universe, sometimes too much is too much. Exactly two months after Amelia dies I am loading a bbq into a car for a pregnant woman, holding back my despair, anger, envy. She was so radiant, so happy...

Ended up giving her three packs of diapers we had for Amelia... She didn't even ask why did I have so many diapers... I'm glad she didn't. BUT, there is a but. Why couldn't I tell her that I was pregnant too, that I was there two months ago, that I know what it felt like to have a baby in my belly. Why couldn't I?

When Amelia died, I was so appalled that no-one talked about stillbirth, I swore I'll always tell people my story. Really starting to get annoyed with this whole "never say never" thing. At some point, I would really like to stick to the plan and in this case talk about my daughter.

So why didn't I tell her about Amelia? All I wanted was to say: "watch out, you are not safe!" I'm sure that would have been a hit with her. I sometimes try to protect the feelings of others and not mention the death of my baby. In return, I hurt myself even more as I deny her existence.

Would love to hear some feedback on the matter...


  1. I am in awe of your strength and courage blogging about what it truly feels like, on a daily basis, to experience and talk about your grief. I learned a lot about the spiritual afterlife these past seven days and completely believe that your daughter Amelia is with you- watching you, protecting you and waiting to see you again:)

  2. Thank you Melissa for your support. I love the idea of the afterlife. Some days I hope it's real, some days I think that humanity came up with it to heal the pain of loss. Either way, I hope my baby and your daddy and all the other loved ones are ok and are indeed waiting for us on the other side :)

  3. Alena, I think when you didn't mention Amelia to the woman who bought your barbecue, you were being you. Your instinct was to protect her happiness and hide your pain. You were being kind. You don't deny Amelia when you do this, but I think, honour her with your selflessness.

    I guess you'll be in this situation again. Go with what's in your heart, it's a good one.

    In the meantime, we continue the prayers for you and Dan and Amelia.

  4. Your courage is amazing Lena. I can only vaguely guess how hard it would be to see all these happy parents with their children around you.

    In the end though, about telling or not your story, it seems to me you'd have to ask yourself why you would tell your story. If you think it may make you feel better, relieve some of the weight, then maybe you should try? Dunno, my rule of thumb is don't do (or not do) anything that you will regret later...

    Not much help, I know, but, well, that and prayers is all I can offer...