Amelia,
My love for you grows stronger every day. You are in my thoughts, my dreams, my memories; warming my heart, leading me through the days and nights. I feel your kindness gently touching my shoulder, kissing my cheeks. Thank you for the light you bring me in those moments.
I wonder what is it like to be you. I know that you Are, I just don't know What you are. My counsellor believes I have a case of some "magical thinking" that many bereaved people invent to console themselves. Well, one day we believed that the Earth was flat and we could fall off the edge...
As I sit in our rocking chair, I feel the weight of your body in my belly. I close my eyes and, for a second, you are right here with me. We share a moment of love so strong it knows no limits, no boundaries. No matter where I am, I will always love you and I know no matter where you are, you will always love me.
Sending you butterfly kisses,
Mama
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
31 Jul 2011
30 Jul 2011
Amelia's Mimi-Doll
On my first Mothers Day we made this Mimi doll for Amelia, and for us. Since then, I spent days and nights hugging, cradling, kissing, rocking her... She gives me comfort in the present and hope for the future. Sometimes I feel Amelia in her. Those are the rare moments when I get to hold her and kiss her cute nose.
Last night Mimi got her first outfit - a tutu that I was going to make for Amelia! Hope you like it :)
Love,
Amelia's mom
14 Jul 2011
Can I take a shortcut?
About two weeks ago I decided to see what what happens if I am withdrawn from the world of bereaved parenthood, so I tried going along with what used to be "normal" life. These two weeks felt very long, painfully low. I realised that there is no way of going around the pain. Instead of letting feelings out throughout the day, in waves of highs and lows, I gathered them all up into one big lump of pain for my brain to sort through during the night.
I haven't slept well since I stopped going on MISS Foundation, a wonderful support forum for bereaved parents. I have been feeling lost in my thoughts since I stopped writing here. I became confused, to the point of sometimes "snapping out of it" to realise all over again that Amelia died. It stopped me in my tracks, sending me into cold shivers.
The feeling of isolation was asso overwhelming. While I have lots of great and supportive people around me, there are only a few who really know what it's like to be here. I actually think it would be a good idea to have a meetup group for bereaved moms and dads, just like they have pregnancy and new mommy groups. It helped me so much during my pregnancy when I got together with women pretty much walking in my shoes, that I can only imagine how helpful it would be to have a group like that. Can you imagine registering a DBMs (dead baby mamas :) group on meetup!? Oh, the new found morbid sense of humour :)
Seriously though, this is what it feels like sometimes. When we joke about taking Amelia out to give her a big hug, is when we realise how horrid the event is.
I guess it's time to paint Amelia's room a pretty green colour. Somehow I know that green and lilac would have been her thing...
Lots of love.
Here is a link to MISS Foundation:
http://www.missfoundation.org/
I haven't slept well since I stopped going on MISS Foundation, a wonderful support forum for bereaved parents. I have been feeling lost in my thoughts since I stopped writing here. I became confused, to the point of sometimes "snapping out of it" to realise all over again that Amelia died. It stopped me in my tracks, sending me into cold shivers.
The feeling of isolation was asso overwhelming. While I have lots of great and supportive people around me, there are only a few who really know what it's like to be here. I actually think it would be a good idea to have a meetup group for bereaved moms and dads, just like they have pregnancy and new mommy groups. It helped me so much during my pregnancy when I got together with women pretty much walking in my shoes, that I can only imagine how helpful it would be to have a group like that. Can you imagine registering a DBMs (dead baby mamas :) group on meetup!? Oh, the new found morbid sense of humour :)
Seriously though, this is what it feels like sometimes. When we joke about taking Amelia out to give her a big hug, is when we realise how horrid the event is.
I guess it's time to paint Amelia's room a pretty green colour. Somehow I know that green and lilac would have been her thing...
Lots of love.
Here is a link to MISS Foundation:
http://www.missfoundation.org/
5 Jul 2011
Once In A While
Ukulele Songs by Eddie Vedder
Once in a while will you try to give
One little thought to me
Though someone else may be
Nearer to your heart?
Will you dream of the moments
I shared with you
Before we drifted apart
Once in a while?
In love's smoldering embers
One spark may remain
If love still can remember
The spark may burn again
I know that I'll be contented
With yesterday's memory
Knowing you think of me
Once in a while
In love's smoldering embers
One spark may remain
If love still can remember
The spark may burn again
I know that I'll be contented
With yesterday's memory
Knowing you think of me
Once in a while
Some things are really hard to put into words. We are all different and that is our most common trait. Personal experiences shape our view of the world, moulding meanings of words into similar, yet as varied as we are, ways of understanding. The words of this song are the closest way or interpreting my relationship with Amelia.
Once in a while will you try to give
One little thought to me
Though someone else may be
Nearer to your heart?
Will you dream of the moments
I shared with you
Before we drifted apart
Once in a while?
In love's smoldering embers
One spark may remain
If love still can remember
The spark may burn again
I know that I'll be contented
With yesterday's memory
Knowing you think of me
Once in a while
In love's smoldering embers
One spark may remain
If love still can remember
The spark may burn again
I know that I'll be contented
With yesterday's memory
Knowing you think of me
Once in a while
Some things are really hard to put into words. We are all different and that is our most common trait. Personal experiences shape our view of the world, moulding meanings of words into similar, yet as varied as we are, ways of understanding. The words of this song are the closest way or interpreting my relationship with Amelia.
24 Jun 2011
Sequence of Events
Yesterday, the 23rd, was three months since Amelia was alive. Today, the 24th, is three months since she died. Tomorrow, the 25th, will be three months since she was born.
I am struggling with acceptance of the sequence of these events. How can my child be dead before she is born? How can I bury my newborn?
Nothing makes sense anymore, life and everything in it is up for an evaluation, a scrutinizing one. What mattered before, has no meaning, what had no meaning before is now the way of life.
What remains a constant is missing my girl.
I am struggling with acceptance of the sequence of these events. How can my child be dead before she is born? How can I bury my newborn?
Nothing makes sense anymore, life and everything in it is up for an evaluation, a scrutinizing one. What mattered before, has no meaning, what had no meaning before is now the way of life.
What remains a constant is missing my girl.
15 Jun 2011
Meeting at the Lawn
I bought some beautiful Irises for Amelia and I to share. A bunch of blue and and yellow ones, so bright and pretty. Keeping half of them at home, so that I can look at them and smile, I took the other half to the Lawn this morning.
There I met a very interesting and inspiring father, just in time for Father's day. His son, Tony, died 33 years ago. What a long time... In between our childrens' graves, he told me a heart-wrenching story of his life, as well as a story of his inner strength.
My new friend's words of wisdom are going to stay with me for the rest of my life. You see, there are two kinds of strength, physical and inner. Grief and stress are very physical, you would be surprised. Once your outer shell is broken, your core is all you have to stand on. It's the inner strength that holds us up when life gets rough.
So, how do you build up your inner strength? Well, Tony's dad told me how loosing his son lifted his insecurities and helped him become a better person. I know it sounds very cliche :) Still, it was very inspiring to hear how he believed in himself, and found the strength to grow from his experience. He and his wife have been married for over 33 years, they have grown stronger and tighter together. They have a long-awaited and much loved daughter. It was good to know there is hope...
But for those of you who say: "See, everything will be good!" Here is what I have to say:
Tony's father also talked about the fire of grief. That's where I am right now, right in the pit. There is no other way out of it, but through the thick of the flame. You can't avoid, pretend, or bargain with grief. You will have to face it, sooner or later. It is better to face it and deal with it right away, than try to hide it and have to deal with it later on, which is, according to Tony's dad, tougher.
As I walk on my new path, I am starting to meet Earth Angels. These are people who I believe are sent to us for encouragement, strength, a shoulder to cry on. The ones who help us take the next step. For that, I am grateful.
So the thought of the day is: never do tomorrow, what you can do today.
(As a reminder: nothing here is personal. I am only sharing my deep feelings to help myself and others understand the process of stillbirth grief a bit better. This is somewhat of a journal for research purposes. Of course, all copyright laws apply).
My new friend's words of wisdom are going to stay with me for the rest of my life. You see, there are two kinds of strength, physical and inner. Grief and stress are very physical, you would be surprised. Once your outer shell is broken, your core is all you have to stand on. It's the inner strength that holds us up when life gets rough.
So, how do you build up your inner strength? Well, Tony's dad told me how loosing his son lifted his insecurities and helped him become a better person. I know it sounds very cliche :) Still, it was very inspiring to hear how he believed in himself, and found the strength to grow from his experience. He and his wife have been married for over 33 years, they have grown stronger and tighter together. They have a long-awaited and much loved daughter. It was good to know there is hope...
But for those of you who say: "See, everything will be good!" Here is what I have to say:
Tony's father also talked about the fire of grief. That's where I am right now, right in the pit. There is no other way out of it, but through the thick of the flame. You can't avoid, pretend, or bargain with grief. You will have to face it, sooner or later. It is better to face it and deal with it right away, than try to hide it and have to deal with it later on, which is, according to Tony's dad, tougher.
As I walk on my new path, I am starting to meet Earth Angels. These are people who I believe are sent to us for encouragement, strength, a shoulder to cry on. The ones who help us take the next step. For that, I am grateful.
So the thought of the day is: never do tomorrow, what you can do today.
(As a reminder: nothing here is personal. I am only sharing my deep feelings to help myself and others understand the process of stillbirth grief a bit better. This is somewhat of a journal for research purposes. Of course, all copyright laws apply).
11 Jun 2011
Stolen Memories
One of the hardest things to accept is how much we are going to miss out on with Amelia. It is interesting how the subconscious mind keeps track of important dates, milestones, family moments. Every such moment that comes and goes without her here with us, we notice, we grieve, we hurt. So far, most of these moments catch us by surprise.
I am learning fast though. Started planning ahead around the dates that I know will be hard, like anniversaries of Amelia's death, then her birth. It is such a crazy concept. How can she die and then be born? The word "born" implies a new life... I never thought that Amelia would be born to live in my broken heart.
The saddest part, for me, is that I will never look her in the eyes and see her looking back at me. I never got to see her eyes... Some days, I wish she lived a day, five days, five years. We would have had so many more memories together, the ones I can only dream of now and forever. Other days, I wonder what if she died much earlier, what if I never met her at all? But then I realise that I'll never trade the moments we had together, she is my precious daughter, always will be. I read about angel babies becoming the only "perfect" children in the family. That makes a lot of sense...
I will treasure these moments forever:
Amelia used to wiggle so much all the time, I thought she was going to poke a hole in my belly :) Her favourite thing to do was to push on my ribs as hard as she could, until I had to push them back so they won't break. I guess she was doing yoga, as well as resistance training! Mommy's girl! She also was very good at telling me if she didn't like something, by hitting the offending spot as hard as she could! and she preferred for me to sleep on my left :)
Missing my girl,
A
I am learning fast though. Started planning ahead around the dates that I know will be hard, like anniversaries of Amelia's death, then her birth. It is such a crazy concept. How can she die and then be born? The word "born" implies a new life... I never thought that Amelia would be born to live in my broken heart.
The saddest part, for me, is that I will never look her in the eyes and see her looking back at me. I never got to see her eyes... Some days, I wish she lived a day, five days, five years. We would have had so many more memories together, the ones I can only dream of now and forever. Other days, I wonder what if she died much earlier, what if I never met her at all? But then I realise that I'll never trade the moments we had together, she is my precious daughter, always will be. I read about angel babies becoming the only "perfect" children in the family. That makes a lot of sense...
I will treasure these moments forever:
Amelia used to wiggle so much all the time, I thought she was going to poke a hole in my belly :) Her favourite thing to do was to push on my ribs as hard as she could, until I had to push them back so they won't break. I guess she was doing yoga, as well as resistance training! Mommy's girl! She also was very good at telling me if she didn't like something, by hitting the offending spot as hard as she could! and she preferred for me to sleep on my left :)
Missing my girl,
A
10 Jun 2011
To the daughter missing from our family picture…
You taught me what true love is,
I saw such beauty in your sleeping face.
I want to nurture and protect you,
To melt in your embrace.
I'll always need you by my side,
I don't know if you are,
So hard to know that I need to let you go,
Before we even said Hello!
You must be free and happy,
As every growing child needs to be,
But you left your mothers arms too soon…
There was so little time for you and me.
My happiest moments will never be complete,
As I'll always long to share them with you,
Wonder if you see the sadness in my eyes,
Hope you hear me say I love you!
I saw such beauty in your sleeping face.
I want to nurture and protect you,
To melt in your embrace.
I'll always need you by my side,
I don't know if you are,
So hard to know that I need to let you go,
Before we even said Hello!
You must be free and happy,
As every growing child needs to be,
But you left your mothers arms too soon…
There was so little time for you and me.
My happiest moments will never be complete,
As I'll always long to share them with you,
Wonder if you see the sadness in my eyes,
Hope you hear me say I love you!
7 Jun 2011
What a week...
I made it through.
Grateful to everyone for their support. Thank you for reaching out to me. Thank you for coming over. Thank you for inviting me in. Thank you for talking to me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your smiles. Thank you for your empathy. Thank you.
Grateful to everyone for their support. Thank you for reaching out to me. Thank you for coming over. Thank you for inviting me in. Thank you for talking to me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your smiles. Thank you for your empathy. Thank you.
25 May 2011
Happy 2 months birthday my angel!
My dear Amelia,
Mommy misses you today more than ever... Went to see you at the Lawn this afternoon. They mowed everything, I was petrified that they would throw out your toys. Very grateful that they left them all under a tree next to you. Had to take them home, so sad... I shared your flowers with another girl, hers were thrown out by the mowers, hope that's ok with you and your little friend's parents... Ended up going to the flower store twice, I guess next time I'll just buy enough for everyone :)
Trying out colours for your room, Home Depot has really crappy paint. I have a feeling green would have been your favourite colour, so the room will be green.
Wish you were here, or I was there... Wither way, just want to be with you, hold you, sing to you...
Love you forever,
Mama
Mommy misses you today more than ever... Went to see you at the Lawn this afternoon. They mowed everything, I was petrified that they would throw out your toys. Very grateful that they left them all under a tree next to you. Had to take them home, so sad... I shared your flowers with another girl, hers were thrown out by the mowers, hope that's ok with you and your little friend's parents... Ended up going to the flower store twice, I guess next time I'll just buy enough for everyone :)
Trying out colours for your room, Home Depot has really crappy paint. I have a feeling green would have been your favourite colour, so the room will be green.
Wish you were here, or I was there... Wither way, just want to be with you, hold you, sing to you...
Love you forever,
Mama
24 May 2011
Hate this day.
I really really hate number 24. Sorry if it's your lucky number, but it's the worst one for me.
Exactly two months ago, on March 24, just before 11am, my world came crushing down. The ceiling was spinning, the ground turned into a black hole. I was lying on a hospital bed, looking into the eyes of a woman I've never met before, begging to wake up. Dan was beside me, crumbling, crying... Our midwifes suddenly appeared in the doorway, their faces pale and full of sorrow. That was when "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat" became so very real. That was when my hopes and dreams died.
For the last two months this memory haunted me day and night. Every night, my dreams start with that spinning ceiling. I feel that hospital bed beneath me when I see moms and their babies on the streets, hear children play in the park outside our windows...
Tomorrow, I am going to be happy. After all, Amelia will be two month old. I wonder how is she, where is she. I still worry about her all the time, hope that she is safe, that she feels our love.
Hope. Hope is what I lost, and hope is all I have.
Exactly two months ago, on March 24, just before 11am, my world came crushing down. The ceiling was spinning, the ground turned into a black hole. I was lying on a hospital bed, looking into the eyes of a woman I've never met before, begging to wake up. Dan was beside me, crumbling, crying... Our midwifes suddenly appeared in the doorway, their faces pale and full of sorrow. That was when "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat" became so very real. That was when my hopes and dreams died.
For the last two months this memory haunted me day and night. Every night, my dreams start with that spinning ceiling. I feel that hospital bed beneath me when I see moms and their babies on the streets, hear children play in the park outside our windows...
Tomorrow, I am going to be happy. After all, Amelia will be two month old. I wonder how is she, where is she. I still worry about her all the time, hope that she is safe, that she feels our love.
Hope. Hope is what I lost, and hope is all I have.
23 May 2011
Funny?
Interestingly enough, when I saw this, I let out a little giggle. There was even a smile, followed by a deep sigh...
Reading the comments, I was surprised to find people who thought that it was offensive and questioned the post's presence on failblog. While the writer of the headline should probably stop using his/her thesaurus, I understand that the title wasn't written to offend anyone. Another surprise was to read a comment by another mom of an angel, saying that she didn't find it offensive either.
It made me remember how a similarly "gruesome joke" made us and a few other angel parents giggle. I don't remember what it was about, but it was definitely not something that would have made us laugh before we became Amelia's parents. We definitely need humour to survive, to let some of our emptiness and hopelessness out.
I wonder, what does grief do to our sense of humour, how does it change it?
19 May 2011
To tell or not to tell
Today I decided it was time to sell my dear husband's old barbecue. Cleaned it up, posted it on craigslist, and sold.
Sold to a woman who is expecting a baby girl any day now. FUCK (pardon me). Seriously, dear universe, sometimes too much is too much. Exactly two months after Amelia dies I am loading a bbq into a car for a pregnant woman, holding back my despair, anger, envy. She was so radiant, so happy...
Ended up giving her three packs of diapers we had for Amelia... She didn't even ask why did I have so many diapers... I'm glad she didn't. BUT, there is a but. Why couldn't I tell her that I was pregnant too, that I was there two months ago, that I know what it felt like to have a baby in my belly. Why couldn't I?
When Amelia died, I was so appalled that no-one talked about stillbirth, I swore I'll always tell people my story. Really starting to get annoyed with this whole "never say never" thing. At some point, I would really like to stick to the plan and in this case talk about my daughter.
So why didn't I tell her about Amelia? All I wanted was to say: "watch out, you are not safe!" I'm sure that would have been a hit with her. I sometimes try to protect the feelings of others and not mention the death of my baby. In return, I hurt myself even more as I deny her existence.
Would love to hear some feedback on the matter...
Sold to a woman who is expecting a baby girl any day now. FUCK (pardon me). Seriously, dear universe, sometimes too much is too much. Exactly two months after Amelia dies I am loading a bbq into a car for a pregnant woman, holding back my despair, anger, envy. She was so radiant, so happy...
Ended up giving her three packs of diapers we had for Amelia... She didn't even ask why did I have so many diapers... I'm glad she didn't. BUT, there is a but. Why couldn't I tell her that I was pregnant too, that I was there two months ago, that I know what it felt like to have a baby in my belly. Why couldn't I?
When Amelia died, I was so appalled that no-one talked about stillbirth, I swore I'll always tell people my story. Really starting to get annoyed with this whole "never say never" thing. At some point, I would really like to stick to the plan and in this case talk about my daughter.
So why didn't I tell her about Amelia? All I wanted was to say: "watch out, you are not safe!" I'm sure that would have been a hit with her. I sometimes try to protect the feelings of others and not mention the death of my baby. In return, I hurt myself even more as I deny her existence.
Would love to hear some feedback on the matter...
17 May 2011
Tough day
I never knew that it could be so hard to live without Amelia. The older she gets now, the more it hurts. My heart is constantly aching, no mater what I'm doing or how I feel on the outside.
It has almost been 8 weeks, Amelia should be turning two months old. As time goes by, more and more babies her age are getting out and about with their parents. Today, it was brutally painful to see a happy new mom with a baby girl Amelia's age, in an orange BOB just like we wanted, walk past me about a foot away from my face... I think I went into a state of shock as the mom and I made eye contact. I was frozen in my tears, with blood drained from my fingertips, as she was looking at me in stalled happiness.
It has been one of the hardest days to date.
It has almost been 8 weeks, Amelia should be turning two months old. As time goes by, more and more babies her age are getting out and about with their parents. Today, it was brutally painful to see a happy new mom with a baby girl Amelia's age, in an orange BOB just like we wanted, walk past me about a foot away from my face... I think I went into a state of shock as the mom and I made eye contact. I was frozen in my tears, with blood drained from my fingertips, as she was looking at me in stalled happiness.
It has been one of the hardest days to date.
15 May 2011
Running out of Candles
I can't believe I'm almost done with my first box of candles... When I bought it, I never thought that it was my first of many. I just knew that it was something I needed to do.
It has been a hard weekend. I know it's not supposed to be easy. Sometimes I feel that I can't take it anymore. I keep hoping that one day I'll wake up from this nightmare, but it just doesn't go away. Every morning when I wake up in our big empty bed, my heart breaks all over again.
I'm finally seeing a "shrink" tomorrow, can't believe it has taken so long. I guess it wasn't as urgent as it would have been if Amelia was alive. Well, she is alive, even if it's only in my heart...
It has been a hard weekend. I know it's not supposed to be easy. Sometimes I feel that I can't take it anymore. I keep hoping that one day I'll wake up from this nightmare, but it just doesn't go away. Every morning when I wake up in our big empty bed, my heart breaks all over again.
I'm finally seeing a "shrink" tomorrow, can't believe it has taken so long. I guess it wasn't as urgent as it would have been if Amelia was alive. Well, she is alive, even if it's only in my heart...
11 May 2011
Missing my girl
Can't get anything done this morning... I miss her so much. Just want to sit there and look at her picture, stroking her cheeks and kissing her lips... I hate how life just keeps on going, without her.
10 May 2011
Happy vs Sad
Dear Amelia,
How can I feel happy and sad at the same time? Not one feeling after the other, but simultaneously. From time to time, I find myself smiling on the outside while my heart is crying. It is tearing me apart. The more time passes, the stronger this mixed feeling becomes. As I continue living without you, my pain gets stronger as joy becomes more frequent. I heard about this from other angel parents, but never quite understood what they meant. Oh, how true it is that to understand someone you have to walk a mile in their shoes...
I guess the good thing is that the intensity of my feelings goes both ways. Some smiles and laughs I actually feel now. Still, the pain comes back, with a vengeance. The days following your birth I was in some serious denial. I was so good at it, I fooled myself sometimes. Now I cannot hide and must face the day. People did warn me that children change our lives forever... Amelia, you gave new joy to my life, new meaning, and for that I am grateful.
It is true that children make you happy, each in their own special way. I see now how beautiful life is, every moment of it, hoping that you share this joy with me.
Love you forever,
your Mommy
How can I feel happy and sad at the same time? Not one feeling after the other, but simultaneously. From time to time, I find myself smiling on the outside while my heart is crying. It is tearing me apart. The more time passes, the stronger this mixed feeling becomes. As I continue living without you, my pain gets stronger as joy becomes more frequent. I heard about this from other angel parents, but never quite understood what they meant. Oh, how true it is that to understand someone you have to walk a mile in their shoes...
I guess the good thing is that the intensity of my feelings goes both ways. Some smiles and laughs I actually feel now. Still, the pain comes back, with a vengeance. The days following your birth I was in some serious denial. I was so good at it, I fooled myself sometimes. Now I cannot hide and must face the day. People did warn me that children change our lives forever... Amelia, you gave new joy to my life, new meaning, and for that I am grateful.
It is true that children make you happy, each in their own special way. I see now how beautiful life is, every moment of it, hoping that you share this joy with me.
Love you forever,
your Mommy
9 May 2011
8 May 2011
A Mother
Who is a Mother?
According to Wikipedia, "because of the complexity and differences of a mother's social, cultural, and religious definitions and roles, it is challenging to define a mother to suit a universally accepted definition". Yep, that's it.
A mother is the one who changes diapers, feeds, plays, teaches, lights candles, grows a memorial garden, keeps a tombstone. Sadly, this mother's day I realised that not all mothers get to experience the "hallmark" motherhood. Today I think of all other mothers who woke up crying, just like I did; all the mothers who are waiting for this day to be over, just like I am.
According to Wikipedia, "because of the complexity and differences of a mother's social, cultural, and religious definitions and roles, it is challenging to define a mother to suit a universally accepted definition". Yep, that's it.
A mother is the one who changes diapers, feeds, plays, teaches, lights candles, grows a memorial garden, keeps a tombstone. Sadly, this mother's day I realised that not all mothers get to experience the "hallmark" motherhood. Today I think of all other mothers who woke up crying, just like I did; all the mothers who are waiting for this day to be over, just like I am.
29 Apr 2011
The Answer?
Most people are wondering what happened and why. I am one of them. For the last five weeks and one day I have been asking the same questions. Today I got an answer.
The answer is: "We really don't know what happened." ....................
My pregnancy was normal, bordering on boring. I was growing well, Amelia was growing well. Yes, I admit to a short bout of depression in the early months, but that wasn't the cause of her death and was easily sorted out with one counselling session. Turned out I wasn't a fan of gaining weight and not being able to snowboard... who knew?! Yes, I was relaxed about my healthy pregnancy, walked a lot, ate well, prepared for pain-free hypnobirthing (by the way, that worked). No, I never was a crazy partier, didn't do any stupid drugs, wasn't much of a drinker... My midwife was very determined to make sure I understand and accept that it was nothing that I did. Nothing that my body did. Then who did it?
What did the autopsy report say? Gosh, even the words "autopsy report" make me want to scream! FUCK this. Pardon my language.
So, back to the report. It tells me that it identified her body as "Astashenkava, NB girl Mar 25/11." (insert another scream...)
It tells me that she was 38 weeks old. That my pregnancy was normal. Then it describes how we noticed her lack of movement, how I got induced, how I didn't have a fever and was healthy when I gave birth, everything was normal. What is Normal? Really, everything was just "normal?" It then reminds me that I signed the autopsy consent, yes, I remember that...
Amelia had long feet, her foot length measured "more consistent with gestational age of 40-41 weeks." She was also tall, again more like a baby at 40-41 weeks. The rest of her body, her chest, waist, and head measured right at 38-39 weeks. My midwife told me that it means she was supposed to be tall and slender... Great, my perfect little girl was perfect. Ok.
So that's it, she was supposed to be tall. I've always wanted to be tall. My mom told me she always hoped I'd be tall like my dad, but I'm not. Amelia was supposed to be tall, like her dad, like my dad. But she won't get a chance...
Some might wonder, why am I feeling like this? Why am I crying and hurting like this? Because... Just because. I understand how most are too scared to even try to imagine where I am. I didn't choose to be here, in fact, I didn't know "here" existed. The reason I'm sharing this is so that other parents who come "here" know that they are not alone. Sadly, we are not alone.
The answer is: "We really don't know what happened." ....................
My pregnancy was normal, bordering on boring. I was growing well, Amelia was growing well. Yes, I admit to a short bout of depression in the early months, but that wasn't the cause of her death and was easily sorted out with one counselling session. Turned out I wasn't a fan of gaining weight and not being able to snowboard... who knew?! Yes, I was relaxed about my healthy pregnancy, walked a lot, ate well, prepared for pain-free hypnobirthing (by the way, that worked). No, I never was a crazy partier, didn't do any stupid drugs, wasn't much of a drinker... My midwife was very determined to make sure I understand and accept that it was nothing that I did. Nothing that my body did. Then who did it?
What did the autopsy report say? Gosh, even the words "autopsy report" make me want to scream! FUCK this. Pardon my language.
So, back to the report. It tells me that it identified her body as "Astashenkava, NB girl Mar 25/11." (insert another scream...)
It tells me that she was 38 weeks old. That my pregnancy was normal. Then it describes how we noticed her lack of movement, how I got induced, how I didn't have a fever and was healthy when I gave birth, everything was normal. What is Normal? Really, everything was just "normal?" It then reminds me that I signed the autopsy consent, yes, I remember that...
Amelia had long feet, her foot length measured "more consistent with gestational age of 40-41 weeks." She was also tall, again more like a baby at 40-41 weeks. The rest of her body, her chest, waist, and head measured right at 38-39 weeks. My midwife told me that it means she was supposed to be tall and slender... Great, my perfect little girl was perfect. Ok.
So that's it, she was supposed to be tall. I've always wanted to be tall. My mom told me she always hoped I'd be tall like my dad, but I'm not. Amelia was supposed to be tall, like her dad, like my dad. But she won't get a chance...
Some might wonder, why am I feeling like this? Why am I crying and hurting like this? Because... Just because. I understand how most are too scared to even try to imagine where I am. I didn't choose to be here, in fact, I didn't know "here" existed. The reason I'm sharing this is so that other parents who come "here" know that they are not alone. Sadly, we are not alone.
28 Apr 2011
Love is...
My dear Amelia,
I never knew what love is, until I met you. Every time I think of you, my body trembles. Lately, I've been trembling most of the time, and I'm happy with that. This is the time we are closest to each other.
Time... Time is all we have, and all we don't have; you spent your lifetime with me, I have a lifetime without you. Feels more like eternity to me. An eternity of saying your name, but not seeing your face, your smile.
Still, I love saying your name out loud, it brings me so much closer to you. I feel you in the spring flowers, in the drops of rain. Every time I see a butterfly, I wonder if it's you and smile. Please send more butterflies!
A close friend reminded me of a tree that gets hit by lightning. It twists, changes direction... Amelia, you changed me in many ways...
Love you forever,
Mama
I never knew what love is, until I met you. Every time I think of you, my body trembles. Lately, I've been trembling most of the time, and I'm happy with that. This is the time we are closest to each other.
Time... Time is all we have, and all we don't have; you spent your lifetime with me, I have a lifetime without you. Feels more like eternity to me. An eternity of saying your name, but not seeing your face, your smile.
Still, I love saying your name out loud, it brings me so much closer to you. I feel you in the spring flowers, in the drops of rain. Every time I see a butterfly, I wonder if it's you and smile. Please send more butterflies!
A close friend reminded me of a tree that gets hit by lightning. It twists, changes direction... Amelia, you changed me in many ways...
Love you forever,
Mama
27 Apr 2011
25 Apr 2011
Silly Dino
Dear Amelia,
As you are such a big girl now, I have a book for you to enjoy! While rocking in our chair, I read it to you for the first time today. Hope you heard it.
"Dino wants to play and count.
Help her count the right amount.
Dino sees one shiny sun.
"Bye, bye, Mommy! Time to run!"
Oh, baby, I miss you so..............
Love you forever,
Mommy
As you are such a big girl now, I have a book for you to enjoy! While rocking in our chair, I read it to you for the first time today. Hope you heard it.
"Dino wants to play and count.
Help her count the right amount.
Dino sees one shiny sun.
"Bye, bye, Mommy! Time to run!"
Oh, baby, I miss you so..............
Love you forever,
Mommy
24 Apr 2011
Broken Heart
Well, after an afternoon of "pretending," I am done. Done, done, done. On the way home, I actually felt my heart break. I felt it rip inside me, I needed to scream.
I hate being here, I hate being "me" right now. I'm not asking "why me," but I am asking "why?"
I hate being here, I hate being "me" right now. I'm not asking "why me," but I am asking "why?"
(Not So) Happy Easter
This is hard, really f'n hard... I thought I would be crying all day. Instead, I'm just numb.
Keep getting flashbacks to the dreams I had: how I'd be taking Amelia out today, with my mom and grandma, walking proudly with her in the baby-carrier, taking our Easter treats to the church. Instead, I'm home today, alone.
My mom keeps telling me I need to celebrate... The most I can do is pretend.
Keep getting flashbacks to the dreams I had: how I'd be taking Amelia out today, with my mom and grandma, walking proudly with her in the baby-carrier, taking our Easter treats to the church. Instead, I'm home today, alone.
My mom keeps telling me I need to celebrate... The most I can do is pretend.
20 Apr 2011
Gratitude
I am so grateful to all those who support us on this journey. Our wonderful family and friends are our walls and our blue sky, giving us support when we stumble, air when we can't breathe...
I love you guys...
I love you guys...
Empty Belly
As if I needed proof of my loss, my body is relentlessly reminding me of it every morning. I look in the mirror, and there is less and less. My body is carrying on as normal, the betrayer. How dares it do that to me? Doesn't it know?
I will never forget that empty feeling in my belly as Dan was wheeling me out of the hospital. It was actually, physically empty. Amelia was out, and not in my arms... She had to stay behind... That was the ultimate feeling of my loss. A gap just below my heart, hollowness.
My initial feelings of wanting to get rid of the weight I gained in pregnancy have changed now. This weight, that I so carefully accumulated (flavoured with chocolate and strawberries, and pasta and steak), was meant for Amelia. This is hers, and I am loosing it.
I will never forget that empty feeling in my belly as Dan was wheeling me out of the hospital. It was actually, physically empty. Amelia was out, and not in my arms... She had to stay behind... That was the ultimate feeling of my loss. A gap just below my heart, hollowness.
My initial feelings of wanting to get rid of the weight I gained in pregnancy have changed now. This weight, that I so carefully accumulated (flavoured with chocolate and strawberries, and pasta and steak), was meant for Amelia. This is hers, and I am loosing it.
19 Apr 2011
The meaning of a Hard Day
It has been 25 days since Amelia was born,
It has been 26 days since Amelia died...
It has been 26 days since Amelia died...
Angels?
I always believed that there is "energy" out there that some people can recognize as a God, call it an Angel... Since Amelia died, I wonder if this is something humanity imagined to cope with the pain of losing their loved ones. It seems especially true when a child dies, an innocent life, the one who carries so much hope.
Amelia's Birth Story
One of my biggest fears in pregnancy was giving birth... How much it would hurt, how little privacy I would have, how long it would take to heal. Oh, how naive I was...
This is Amelia's birth story. I am proud of it, as it was the beautiful pain-free birth that we learned and hoped for in our hypnobirthing class. My daughter deserved to be born in love, and I am grateful to all those around me: my dear husband, my wonderful doula and midwifes, my mom and grandma, and our friends, who helped me along the way.
We started getting worried when our very active baby wasn't moving much on March 23... After talking to our midwifes, we thought it might be because I was having a lot of Braxton-Hicks. We counted Amelia's kicks till 1:30am that night and she gave us 6 kicks in 2 hours that we needed.
The next morning we went for our 38-week appointment. My belly grew just the right amount and everything looked good, but the midwife was having a hard time finding the heartbeat. She got another doppler and after an agonizing search finally found a heartbeat. I knew something was wrong because it was 120 and not the usual 150 that Amelia had. We decided to get a NST at the hospital and headed straight there, having no idea of what was ahead of us.
The hospital nurse could not find the hearbeat either. I proudly found her the heartbeat that the midwife found earlier, I later found out was my own... An obgyn came in with an ultrasound machine and after two longest minutes in my life, she looked at me and said: "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat." The room started spinning and our life changed forever...
Our midwifes were there in a matter of minutes. Somehow we all still had hope. Or maybe it was just me. They said that the best way to deliver Amelia would be vaginally, but I could not bear the thought of it. Then I realised that our daughter deserves the beautiful birth we planned for her, and she was going to get it. I was already 2cm dilated when they induced me at 2pm on the 24th. We had a long wait ahead of us... Somehow in that time we had the strength to talk about what was going to happen next. I guess because we still had hope that she would be born alive and this was all just a really bad dream...
10 long hours later, after my fourth dose of whatever they were giving me, I was only 3cm and had very mild contractions. That was when I realised that I was not letting her go, I was keeping my body closed so that I can have more time with my baby. It felt strange but I remember thinking that it was not fair to Amelia, and decided it was time... That was about 2:30am. Minutes later my water broke and it started! Every contraction I had, Dan would put his hand on my shoulder and I would completely relax. I felt no pain, just love. My body was doing an amazing job and I was letting it be. I was singing through the transition stage, and it felt so empowering. Again, no pain. When pushing came I just moved her down, bit by bit, I think I was enjoying the process. At 5:08 Amelia Sofia was born, weighing 7lb 12.6oz, 21inch long. She looked so beautiful in her sleep, such soft cheeks, red lips and a lot of hair :)
We spent five wonderful hours holding her, kissing her, loving her. Then it was time to let her go...
I am very glad we got to have the beautiful birth of our Amelia. It was bitter-sweet, but it was filled with love.
This is Amelia's birth story. I am proud of it, as it was the beautiful pain-free birth that we learned and hoped for in our hypnobirthing class. My daughter deserved to be born in love, and I am grateful to all those around me: my dear husband, my wonderful doula and midwifes, my mom and grandma, and our friends, who helped me along the way.
We started getting worried when our very active baby wasn't moving much on March 23... After talking to our midwifes, we thought it might be because I was having a lot of Braxton-Hicks. We counted Amelia's kicks till 1:30am that night and she gave us 6 kicks in 2 hours that we needed.
The next morning we went for our 38-week appointment. My belly grew just the right amount and everything looked good, but the midwife was having a hard time finding the heartbeat. She got another doppler and after an agonizing search finally found a heartbeat. I knew something was wrong because it was 120 and not the usual 150 that Amelia had. We decided to get a NST at the hospital and headed straight there, having no idea of what was ahead of us.
The hospital nurse could not find the hearbeat either. I proudly found her the heartbeat that the midwife found earlier, I later found out was my own... An obgyn came in with an ultrasound machine and after two longest minutes in my life, she looked at me and said: "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat." The room started spinning and our life changed forever...
Our midwifes were there in a matter of minutes. Somehow we all still had hope. Or maybe it was just me. They said that the best way to deliver Amelia would be vaginally, but I could not bear the thought of it. Then I realised that our daughter deserves the beautiful birth we planned for her, and she was going to get it. I was already 2cm dilated when they induced me at 2pm on the 24th. We had a long wait ahead of us... Somehow in that time we had the strength to talk about what was going to happen next. I guess because we still had hope that she would be born alive and this was all just a really bad dream...
10 long hours later, after my fourth dose of whatever they were giving me, I was only 3cm and had very mild contractions. That was when I realised that I was not letting her go, I was keeping my body closed so that I can have more time with my baby. It felt strange but I remember thinking that it was not fair to Amelia, and decided it was time... That was about 2:30am. Minutes later my water broke and it started! Every contraction I had, Dan would put his hand on my shoulder and I would completely relax. I felt no pain, just love. My body was doing an amazing job and I was letting it be. I was singing through the transition stage, and it felt so empowering. Again, no pain. When pushing came I just moved her down, bit by bit, I think I was enjoying the process. At 5:08 Amelia Sofia was born, weighing 7lb 12.6oz, 21inch long. She looked so beautiful in her sleep, such soft cheeks, red lips and a lot of hair :)
We spent five wonderful hours holding her, kissing her, loving her. Then it was time to let her go...
I am very glad we got to have the beautiful birth of our Amelia. It was bitter-sweet, but it was filled with love.
18 Apr 2011
Finding my Voice
Since my world was shattered 24 days ago, I felt like I lost my voice. When doctors told me the horrid words: "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat," my body was screaming so loud it could not make a sound. In the days that followed Amelia's birth and death (or it it death and birth?), I spoke, but had no voice.
I didn't have a voice because words that I spoke didn't change anything.
When I finally had the strength to admit what happened and start looking for people in my boat, I found that their presence in this world made a difference to how I felt. Today, I don't feel alone. Sadly, I feel that there are more of us than we admit. With this knowledge, I hope to one day find my voice.
I didn't have a voice because words that I spoke didn't change anything.
When I finally had the strength to admit what happened and start looking for people in my boat, I found that their presence in this world made a difference to how I felt. Today, I don't feel alone. Sadly, I feel that there are more of us than we admit. With this knowledge, I hope to one day find my voice.
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